HCI, 2011
Nonfiction; 250 pgs
The decision to have or not to have children is age old. It is a very personal decision, one that is not always easy, and can be different for everyone. Not all babies are planned. Some people want no children. Some cannot have children. Parents may choose to have one or many children. Some people choose to adopt. Whatever the method, families come in all shapes and sizes. And it's a good thing. I respect a person's right to choose the size of his or her family, and I only ask for the same in return.
Who would have thought how many children I have would be a bone of contention for so many people? Remember when people badgered you about getting married? "When are you planning to get married?" They'd ask even before there's a prospective spouse in the wings. Or perhaps you're in a long term relationship with no intention of marrying. But people ask all the time anyway. Or how about, once you are married, "When are you having children?" Those who do not want or cannot have children come to despise that question. Now that I'm married and have a child, I figured I was safe. No one would ask me either one anymore. Boy, was I wrong.
I suppose it's a given that people will want to know if I plan to have another child. And I really don't mind the question. Most of the time. But it doesn't stop there. When I respond with a firm no, we only want the one, I was surprised to find how vehement many people are about the need to have another child. I swear it's become a crusade of a couple of women in my office to convince me that my daughter needs a sibling. It's not just those two either. Just yesterday I attended a training and ran into an old colleague I haven't seen in years. When I told her I had a daughter and answered her question about whether I intended to have another with a no, I was told I should consider another. The second one is much easier, she said, trying to convince me. And when my daughter is a little older, she'll appreciate having a playmate.
The most common argument for me to have another seems to be the sibling factor. Don't you want your daughter to have the sibling experience, I'm often asked. One friend told me my daughter would be lonely without a sibling. I have also heard about how she'll be spoiled and feel entitled.
It doesn't matter the reasons I give for my and my husband's decision to stop at one. And I always wonder if those who put on the pressure ever stop to wonder if maybe we aren't having another child because we can't. For us, it is a choice. For others, it might not be.
The thing to do, of course, at least at the office and among my friends and family, would be to tell them to stop badgering me, to tell them it's none of their business and to just walk away. I'm too nice though. I usually just smile and shake my head, while on the inside I'm thinking, "Not again. Why won't they leave me alone?!" Sometimes I just find it amusing. I know they aren't trying to be malicious or mean. I only wish they'd accept that their idea of the perfect family is not necessarily meant for me. I tried to tell a few people that, including the women on the crusade to change my mind, but it fell on deaf ears.
It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't take it personally. I try not to. I try not to internalize the messages coming at me. Maybe it wouldn't bother me if I wasn't hearing the same messages so often. Or if I was a stronger person. My husband and I are quite adamant about wanting one child, and yet doubt creeps in with the constant pressure. I start to second guess myself and wonder if I truly am ruining my daughter's life by not trying for a sibling. Logically, I know I am not, but there's that small niggling thought that just won't seem to go away.
Who would have thought how many children I have would be a bone of contention for so many people? Remember when people badgered you about getting married? "When are you planning to get married?" They'd ask even before there's a prospective spouse in the wings. Or perhaps you're in a long term relationship with no intention of marrying. But people ask all the time anyway. Or how about, once you are married, "When are you having children?" Those who do not want or cannot have children come to despise that question. Now that I'm married and have a child, I figured I was safe. No one would ask me either one anymore. Boy, was I wrong.
I suppose it's a given that people will want to know if I plan to have another child. And I really don't mind the question. Most of the time. But it doesn't stop there. When I respond with a firm no, we only want the one, I was surprised to find how vehement many people are about the need to have another child. I swear it's become a crusade of a couple of women in my office to convince me that my daughter needs a sibling. It's not just those two either. Just yesterday I attended a training and ran into an old colleague I haven't seen in years. When I told her I had a daughter and answered her question about whether I intended to have another with a no, I was told I should consider another. The second one is much easier, she said, trying to convince me. And when my daughter is a little older, she'll appreciate having a playmate.
The most common argument for me to have another seems to be the sibling factor. Don't you want your daughter to have the sibling experience, I'm often asked. One friend told me my daughter would be lonely without a sibling. I have also heard about how she'll be spoiled and feel entitled.
It doesn't matter the reasons I give for my and my husband's decision to stop at one. And I always wonder if those who put on the pressure ever stop to wonder if maybe we aren't having another child because we can't. For us, it is a choice. For others, it might not be.
The thing to do, of course, at least at the office and among my friends and family, would be to tell them to stop badgering me, to tell them it's none of their business and to just walk away. I'm too nice though. I usually just smile and shake my head, while on the inside I'm thinking, "Not again. Why won't they leave me alone?!" Sometimes I just find it amusing. I know they aren't trying to be malicious or mean. I only wish they'd accept that their idea of the perfect family is not necessarily meant for me. I tried to tell a few people that, including the women on the crusade to change my mind, but it fell on deaf ears.
It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't take it personally. I try not to. I try not to internalize the messages coming at me. Maybe it wouldn't bother me if I wasn't hearing the same messages so often. Or if I was a stronger person. My husband and I are quite adamant about wanting one child, and yet doubt creeps in with the constant pressure. I start to second guess myself and wonder if I truly am ruining my daughter's life by not trying for a sibling. Logically, I know I am not, but there's that small niggling thought that just won't seem to go away.
I sought out a copy of Dr. Susan Newman's The Case for the Only Child, which I had heard much about. I was hoping it would help me shore up some of those doubts. I was also curious to know what the author had uncovered to debunk the myths of the Only Child Syndrome.
It is important to note The Case for the Only Child is targeted for a specific audience--those who have only children and those on the fence, leaning in that direction. It's meant for people like me. In this way, I would say it is pro-only child. It isn't the author's intention to criticize other family types; rather just to show support for the one.
I was especially drawn to the research aspect of the book, the various studies done about children with siblings and without. Much of the negative theories once believed about only children have since been disproved, and yet they linger, perpetuated by society. Only children are not necessarily more spoiled or more lonely or more selfish or even more bossy compared to children with siblings. Of my friends who are only children, none have ever fit the profile for the Only Child Syndrome, and so it came as no surprise that the initial research suggesting there was such a thing was faulty and incorrect. Much comes down to how they are parented. How any child is parented.
Dr. Newman's book is fairly easy reading and quick too. She describes the growing trend of single family households and touches on all of the reasons my husband and I have chosen to have one child, including a few others. I found myself nodding in a agreement more than once. She also captured some of what I've been feeling, especially from the pressure I receive. So I'm not just crazy or weak! Whew! She uses real life examples, which help drive her points home.
Did I walk away from the book with a stronger resolve in my decision? In some respects, I suppose so. It was more confirmation in why my husband and I have come to the decision we have. And it was nice to have that validation.
The truth is, I am feeling more confident about my decision each day (which, for the record, wasn't just my decision--my husband has a big say in this too). I have a beautiful and smart daughter whom I love dearly. Life is good.
Did I walk away from the book with a stronger resolve in my decision? In some respects, I suppose so. It was more confirmation in why my husband and I have come to the decision we have. And it was nice to have that validation.
The truth is, I am feeling more confident about my decision each day (which, for the record, wasn't just my decision--my husband has a big say in this too). I have a beautiful and smart daughter whom I love dearly. Life is good.
You can learn more about Dr. Susan Newman and her books on the author's website.
Source: I purchased a copy of this book for my own use.
© 2012, Wendy Runyon of Musings of a Bookish Kitty. All Rights Reserved. If you're reading this on a site other than Musings of a Bookish Kitty or Wendy's feed, be aware that this post has been stolen and is used without permission.
